I have a milestone birthday coming up soon – very soon – in fact it is less than two weeks away and  I’m really not sure how I am feeling about it.  I’ve been feeling really apprehensive about it, but why?  After all it’s just a number isn’t it?  But a birthday with a zero on the end means that I am entering a whole new decade.  I think I’ve been having a mini midlife crisis because I’ve  been getting a bit stressed out about it.  This wasn’t helped by a friend a few months ago who hit the same birthday telling me how horrible it is and how bad it feels.  Hmmm… (thanks for that.)  Part of me just thinks Yikes! (I don’t know why I even used that word, its not generally a word I use!) I love that – when I write my blog, some words just ping into my head. I think I’m pretty fortunate there as it wouldn’t be much fun for you just looking at a blank page.

Because of this birthday looming I’ve been on a desperate diet this week, trying to lose two stone.  No I know, that really isn’t going to happen, it’s a bit too little too late, but on a positive note it has made me eat a bit more healthily and I have cut down – slightly – on the amount of chocolate I eat.  Chocolate is my new addiction but I’ll talk about that another time.  I’ve been having a think about changing my hair and I’ve changed my make up recently too.  The only thing I’ve changed about my make up is that I’ve started wearing eye shadow and mascara because I look tons better with it.  Ironically I only realised because my lovely eleven year old niece gave me a makeup makeover and she made me look so young and pretty!  We did a big reveal where I looked in the mirror after and it didn’t even look like me, it was good fun!  (thanks to her watching YouTube tutorials so carefully.) The reason I don’t usually bother with mascara is because I don’t really like my eyes and so don’t want to draw attention to them.  I also thought it made me look silly and couldn’t be bothered with taking it on off in the evening, but hey life’s too short to worry about things like that – see what I mean about the mid-life crisis thing?

Part of me can’t actually believe the age I am because I don’t feel it.  Who does though? In fact who can actually define an age? I don’t think (maybe I’m wrong) that anyone could say: when you’re twenty you should feel this way and be doing such and such; when you’re thirty this is how your mind will think and so on…we’re all different and probably experiences that we’ve had are what determines us.  When you’re really young you think anyone over the age of eighteen is ancient. Remember how old those teachers seemed when you were at school! This sounds really stupid because I know I know my age but I even had to double check yesterday and count forward from my year of birth, you know just to really make sure,  well that was probably a little bit of wishful thinking 😂

This morning, I’ve been thinking, is my birthday celebrating getting older or is it celebrating a new chapter?  Well I then delved into my mind and thought about all the completely shit things I have had to deal with in my life so far.  And I mean really really bad.  I have been through some really traumatic experiences.  The sort of things that if you were to write a list of things that you wouldn’t want to go through, I could probably tick them off that list.  Most of the things are due to being naive, being a poor judge of character and being stupid or weak, but I know there are people who have been through a whole lot worse than I have.  Everything that has happened to me in the past though has made me the person I am today.  I have learned a lot and thankfully for now, at least, I am in a good place.  Obviously I’ve had lots of good times too. It hasn’t all been doom and gloom!  I can honestly say that the best thing I’ve done in my whole life though is to be fortunate enough to have two lovely boys who have grown into well rounded (thankfully) kind, caring, young men. Of course there are things that I want to change in life and now I’ve realised that life is too short, it’s not a dress rehearsal and if I want to do something then I’ve got to work hard at it and try and do something about it.  (A bit late for the party I know!!) I need to put effort in to get me there, really  focus on getting to do what I want and to be where I want to be.  I think that’s due to my upcoming birthday, mid-life crisis strikes again – but in a positive way, surely, if it’s giving me determination.

So I am going to embrace this new decade and try really hard to achieve what I want to achieve.

I’m not sure what I’m doing to celebrate yet, I’m not the sort of person who likes to be the centre of attention so am not fussed about having a party, it will probably be a meal out with close family.  Discussing it with my boyfriend last night, he said he was going to arrange a weekend in Paris but he didn’t – 😳 – because I said I wouldn’t go on the Eurostar.  Its not his fault at all because its true, the idea of going in a tunnel under the sea really scares me but actually I think you’re only in the tunnel for about twenty minutes so hopefully it wouldn’t be that bad, I don’t have a passport either was his other reason (true as well.)  I’ll have to try and convince myself it would be a good idea.  I don’t know what it is but France really intrigues me,  I have an idea in my head of Paris being a truly beautiful place and even French women are portrayed as being so beautiful and glamorous.  I went to France on a school trip when I was ten, by ferry, but I haven’t been since.  Maybe I’ll try and conquer those fears and we can go in the summer 🇫🇷 🙂